(Un)chosen one
by fat-pink-unicorn
Summary: "Gone, gone, gone, gone/Oh the words lose all the meaning/I'm not allowed to beg/It's an honor just to be here/I've got better plans/You're the one who be part of/And back/We're starting, starting alive" - Lia Ices, '(un)chosen one' Set in season 8. Read it as you want - platonic cas/dean, unrequited sam/cas, even sastiel or destiel if you squint. No beta, all mistakes are mine.


After Purgatory things are not the same. Dean is moody, irritated and, much to Sam's exasperation, tries without a break to become The Next America Top Hunter. He doesn't answer Sam's questions about what really happened during that year and he doesn't want to talk about Cas either. Whatever is the reason, it's obviously haunting him.

Sam is hurt too. He needs to know the truth about the angel, so he can mourn him and say his goodbyes properly, even if only in his mind. Cas was his friend too, but older brother doesn't seem to remember that. Sam isn't surprised, there was never enough space for him between Dean and Castiel long stares at each other. Nobody ever wondered about his feelings towards the angel so Sam kept them to himself. And there was a lot to keep.

And then Cas unexpectedly returns.

Better, he returns and he's back to his normal, I-can-smite-but-not-smile, self, as if the whole crazy affair didn't happened. He spends more time with them, helping in hunts and search for Kevin. He even stays at motels with them at travels at the backseat of the Impala. Just sometimes he vanishes for couple of hours or half a day. But they don't talk about it.

Actually, they don't talk about anything, unless it's a new job or some meaningless , casual stuff. Things between the three of them are strained. Dean is still mad at Sam about taking the year off and Sam stubbornly repeats that he wants a normal life. And Dean and Cas… well.

Sam doesn't get it. Dean was ridiculously happy when he saw Cas, he even wanted to hug him, but then he stopped and looked embarrassed and angry at himself. And Dean isn't good at dealing with anger, especially when it's directed at himself, so since that time he's shutting the angel off. And Castiel is just accepting it and not trying to break through Dean's attitude.

They throw quick, pained glances at each other, but only when they think no one will notice. Sam of course notices and wants to bang his head against the wall from frustration. Or their heads, maybe it would shake their brains and they would act rationally, stop pointless drama and just talk everything through. He doesn't do it. Dean would rather kill himself with plastic fork then admit that there is a problem. Sam could try talk to Castiel, but they're not close enough to do it, aren't they?

One afternoon, when they're done with work and there's nothing more to do then killing the time in motel, Sam sees that Cas have disappeared again. He looks at Dean, who is half asleep in front of television, murmurs that he's going to take a walk and leaves the room.

When Sam approaches the park nearby, he is surprised to catch a sight of familiar figure in the trench coat sitting on the bench. Hesitantly, he take a seat next to Cas. They sit in silence, just watching the trees and listening to the wind.

"Is this where you're going when you're not with us?" Finally asks Sam in quiet voice. After a moment, Cas answers equally softly.

"No. It's only a substitute."

"Substitute? For what?" Sam says in confusion. Instead of replying, Cas touches Sam's forehead with his fingers and before Sam blinks they are on the field full of flowers.

Sam gasp in shock and enchantment. This is the most beautiful thing he has ever seen, mesmerizing and strangely peaceful. It's one of those places where you feel alone and united with a whole word at the same time. He looks amazed at Castiel.

"This is so beautiful, Cas. I get why you want to come here. Motel rooms are no competition, in fact I can't understand how can you stand them when you compare them to…" Sam shows with his hands "…this."

"It reminds me of my favorite place in Heaven. I haven't been there since… a very long time." Cas admits. Sam doesn't say anything, even holding his breath, afraid to interrupt this rare moment of honesty.

"I find it very calming." adds Castiel

Sam studies his profile, emotionless and stern on the surface, with endless feelings and thoughts hidden in the bright, wise eyes.

"You still don't want to fight, am I right?" Sam concludes. Silence from Cas is enough answer. "Then why are you doing this? Nobody forces you."

Sam thinks for a moment.

"Is it… for Dean?" Castiel shifts uncomfortably, almost blushing and Sam feels stab in the heart.

_It's always for him._

"Why are you always doing this? Closing Hell is important and I appreciate your help… but you have done enough for Dean… for us."

_You have done so much for me. You deserve a peace._

Castiel still remains silent, avoiding Sam's intense gaze. But Sam needs to know.

"What happened in Purgatory, Cas? Please, can you tell me?"

So Cas tells him. How he left Dean to protect him from Leviathans and how by it he unintentionally hurt him.

"He thought I abandoned him. He kept looking for me, all the time, never giving up."

_I thought I lost you two forever. I was all alone with no purpose._

"He prayed, Sam. Every night he called for me, asking if I was alive."

_I have prayed for you all my life._

And Cas tells him how Dean finally found him. He almost smiles remembering like something more happened then. Sam isn't jealous that Dean can make Cas look like that. He really isn't.

"He said he's not leaving without me. That we're going home together."

And Cas tells him how they fought with Lewiathans and all other monsters to get back to Earth. And how at the last moment it turned out that Cas is not able to leave Purgatory.

"Dean got out. It wasn't his fault that I didn't. But he feels like he broke the promise and it's killing him." ends Castiel

"So you feel like you have to stay with him so he can see that you don't resent him?" Sam says with disbelief "You know what would be easier? Telling him that!"

"It's not that easy, Sam." Cas shake his head "My ability of expressing emotions is not very effective. It would make everything more… awkward."

Sam doesn't push it. He sees how much Cas cares about Dean but he won't be playing matchmaker.

"Besides…" Cas suddenly says "It's not the only reason for staying with you."

He looks directly at Sam, for the first time since they started this conversation.

"Dean was right when he said in Purgatory that we're going home. You two are my home right now. So I want to help you, even if it means more fighting."

Sam is to taken aback with this confession and can't find right words to respond. But Castiel doesn't seem to expect any.

"Come on, Sam. We should head back. It's getting late." He says reaching his hand toward Sam to zap him back to motel. On strange impulse, Sam take this hand and squeeze it hard.

"Cas… you know that you can always count on us… count on me?" he says quickly.

And then Castiel smiles at him with his eyes and says warmly

"Yes, Sam, I know it"

And Sam feels like his body is filled with hot, pure light.

_I know I'm not your chosen one. But I still feel lucky to have you in my life._


End file.
